I need to talk about this video I found on youtube. Have you ever heard Bai ling? Yes? No? Maybe? Just quietly, she’s a bit of a hero of mine, and a favourite at the gofugyourself.com:
Earlier this year she almost had her nipple torn off by her pet cat. This is said cat. Its name is chee-pussy Quiji.
She defended her pet saying it must have thought her nipple was a chew toy. Firstly, that’s not a cat, that’s a beast sent straight from the depths of Satan’s sex pad. And secondly, just so we’re clear, her nipples resemble chew toys? I don’t know whether to be aroused or repulsed- though I suspect I’d go with the latter. In all honesty, this sums up the handful of things I actually know about Bai Ling, other then that I’m pretty much in the dark. My friends at wikipedia inform me she vehemently claims to hail from the moon, where her grandmother continues to lives. Fair enough Bai Ling, fair enough. Also, she is allegedly an actress! Unfortunately, the only roles that I could say I'm vaguely familiar with that she’s played recently were her part as “Senator Bana Breemu” in Star Wars III: The Revenge of the Sith and her stirring role as the “punky photographer” in Lords of Dog Town.
Anywho, Back to the video! I love this: I close my eyes and I’m in a Japanese karaoke bar playing witness to a fabulous midlife breakdown, I open them again and Bai Ling is throwing Barbie’s feathery night gown into the crowd, masturbating on her knees and being mauled by a painfully gay presenter! It’s so unnatural and forced and dare I say, drunk, that I just couldn’t pass this one up. The highlight for me is 33 seconds in when she attempts a sexy commando roll and leg stretch but kind of doesn’t quite have the momentum and almost gets tangled in her ostrich costume. Bai ling enthusiasts enjoy!
So a while ago, a “friend”, had this dream she had her vagina pierced. It wasn’t me, it was a friend. One who can’t be named either, not even with a pseudonym. Anywho, my friend (not me) had this dream her snatch was pierced- just like the lip or whatever. She told me about it the next day on facebook and I was all “Well, did you like it?” and she was all, “I’ll tell you about it in private...”. You know, because we were talking on facebook, and like, not everyone’s down with that kind of thing. I don’t understand why. I mean, not that I was the one who had the dream or anything but still.
Now with genital piercings on the brain of late, I’ve spent the past few weeks researching, google imaging and discussing the topic with anyone who will listen. It’s not an easy topic to breach with people though. “So I was talking to my friend about vag piercings..." The colour kind of drains from their face , horror seeps into their eyes and then suddenly they’re shrieking “OH MY GOD!! YOU PIERCED YOUR VAGINA?!?!”. The next thing you know, everyone else in the room has heard and now assumes you lead a secret double life as a dominatrix extraordinaire with the bejewelled genitalia to match.
To avoid judgement, I’ve resorted to feeding my obsession with drunken ramblings aimed at people I’ve just met or don’t know very well. The ones who I corner unexpectedly at parties and then shamelessly deny their existence come the morning. Kind of like the one night stand equivalent of conversation. My same friend, the one who had the dream- she got her nipple pierced a few months ago- not me, my friend. She recons she got the idea when her girlfriend was going on about how much she hated nipple piercings,it seemed like the most obvious move to make. As it turns out, the nipple piercing is like the kinky little tid bit you never knew you wanted but once you found, you couldn’t live without. You know the type. But the va jay jay. That’s a whole other jurisdiction of kinky. Fraught with danger, dripping with edge, bursting with possibility.
The idea lead me to an interesting conversation with another friend in which we discussed finer details like the implications a piercing may have to waxing and the actual location of said piercing. This friend told me she used to have her clit pierced but found it was overstimulating-to the point where she actually orgasmed on a bus when she was sitting over the back tyre. Fascinating. My endless prowl through the depths of google lead me to other insights on the topic: when done well it actually seems like a relatively safe piercing! And did you know it heals faster than your ears? And apparently it hurts less?!
“I pierce many professional women, housewives, mothers, and even grandmothers”, stated one seasoned piercer on what seemed like the web’s most definitve guide to piercing the never regions. Seriously?? Are all these women parading around on public transport having secret orgasms too? This gives a whole new meaning to people who sit next to you on an empty bus. With all this research and talk and the like my friend (not me) is totally considering it now. I mean aside from the possibility of it all going horribly wrong and she being a sexual cripple with a severely impaired ability to orgasm, what’s the worst that could happen??
In other news I have a new favourite band- they refer to themselves as “gospel punk garage jammers”. Well, hello!
