The great hiatus

So it's been a while. I can explain though! Firstly, I was in exams so I had to BAN myself from blogging just to be able to absorb everything I possibly could on fascinating subjects like corporate structure and debt securitization. Let me tell you what a party that was! Then fate dealt me a total sucker punch to the jaw and my computer died the night before my last exam, taking all my notes, music, photos and blog drafts down with it. Fuck you apple. Did you know that if you make your first ever apple purchase from the apple store at Chermside you can elect to be clapped and cheered out of the store by staff? I imagine other shoppers would join in too. Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little.

So due to my douche bag of a computer now doing nothing but taking up space on my desk I've been forced downstairs to the "family computer". This is usually accompanied by my 19 year old brother watching children’s cartoons on Cartoon Network in the background. He's not even stoned. Having the family computer inflicted on me is depressing for other reasons too- I can't google feral things like anal warts or the naked mole rat to then post on my friend’s facebook pages, effectively killing their sex life for a good week or so. Nor can I browse online sex stores, red tube is completely out of the question, and my stalking has to be made somewhat discreet so that my family doesn’t pick up on what a creep I really am. Sigh. Life sure is tough for me right now. Lots has happened in my absence though, most of which I can't be arsed to write about. However, I figured I do owe some form of explanation for what Ive been doing with my time (nothing) which can be summarised by a list of 3 things I've grown to love and 3 I’ve grown to hate while I’ve been gone.

Let's start with things I hate:

1. People who say "Oh you don't really hate them!"

Let me explain with an example:

Me: Oh my god I hate that slag guts whore, who does she think she is??

Other person: Oh Jane, hate is such a strong word- you don’t really hate her, you don’t really hate anyone!

Woaah, excuse me?? "I don't really hate anyone"? Does this happen to anyone else or just me? Am I the only one who is blessed with all these self righteous do gooders who take it upon themselves to correct my emotions for me? Seriously, every time I hear those words fall out of some ones arse kissing mouth I feel like somewhere there is a stall going unmanned at a church bake sale. Get back to your post fuck face and stop imposing your freakishly good mood on the rest of the world.

2. Wonderwall by Oasis.

Jesus Christ all mighty. This song to me is some sort of right of passage for every douche bag who ever sat behind a microphone holding an acoustic guitar at an all ages family friendly venue. Furthermore, the amount of love themed mix cd’s this ends up on is sickening- "oh it’s our song"- yes, you and the rest of the pathetic prepubescent population. Ugh.


3. Sex scenes in The L Word.

So I’ve been watching the L Word a tad lately, mainly because I'm on holidays and it’s on TV. It’s a relationship of convenience really. Sadly, it’s only reminded me why I hate the L Word to begin with. Don't get me wrong, the show served its purpose once upon a time in my life. You know, back when I was like 17 and didn’t have any lesbian friends, wasn't getting laid and it was pretty much my only outlet into the lesbian world besides stalking people on myspace (I started out early). But then I got into the real world and had no need for The L Word any longer. My real distaste for the show actually stems from the sex scenes though- of all things! Let me map one out for you: girls make out in bed with much huffing and puffing, hand creeps under sheets towards one girl’s vag, there’s a brief moment of what looks like PURE ecstasy and then bam! Orgasmo! For fucksake, no gets anyone off with handjob that fast, or even that well really. Honestly, I think I learned more about lesbian sex in that Sex and The City episode where Samantha becomes a lesbian then I do from The L Word.

Now for things I love:

1. www.peopleofwalmart.com

For those of you who don’t know, this is a site for the pathetic, overweight, badly tattooed and shockingly dressed hicks tramping through wall mart at any given moment across America. The sad saps make it from their daily lives to our computer screens via the cold hearted bearers of camera phones waiting at every turn. Gold. The hate mail is just to die for too by the way! It worries me thought that four separate people recommended me this site with an “Oh my god Jane! You'd love this, it made me think of you!” Should I be worried that I’ve created an image for myself as being some sort of heartless bitch who finds pleasure at another’s expense? My spider senses say no.

2. Lady gaga's facebook status updates

Do you ever hunt someone down on the internet, find their various social networking sites, add them and then to your dismay realise they hardly use the internet? It’s a real downer for any seasoned internet stalker. But Lady Gaga, well! That woman is like a dream with her constant updates and what not. Some of which even seem to be personally posted by her! She's taken to referring to her fans as her “little monsters” since the release of Fame Monster. This makes me feel closer to her given she's bestowed upon me some sort of collective nickname. Also, I feel like I’ve really been there for her through a lot lately you know? From the day I gave my support when her father had heart surgery to the sigh of relief I breathed when she found her lavender wig (which apparently had been lost for sometime). Yes, my status liking really knows no bounds when it comes to the Ga! I think I'm getting a little obsessive though, when she made an appearance on Ellen recently I found I already knew most of what she had to say just from following her status updates. Whatever, we're practically on first name basis.

3. This song: