Hell

I have a deep seated fear of garden gnomes. To me, they’re these horrible little things that somehow deliver bone chilling terror at discount-crap-store prices. Ugh. When I was in high school my maths teacher found it necessary to adorn the classroom with what can only be described as "random shit". So of course, she had to have a couple of gnomes. Totally NOT conducive to a positive learning environment if you ask me but anywho, my phobia was common knowledge in the class and apparently it was funny to put a garden gnome on my chair one afternoon when I was late for class. Hilarious. So yer, I generally assume hell is the Garden of Eden but with a garden gnome at every turn. Knowing my luck, I’ll probably end up there because of my homosexual deviant lifestyle. I figured only such a horrific place could exist in hell- that was until my girlfriend was sent an email about the Australian Gnome Convention.

http://australiangnomeconvention.com.au/

Firstly, what the actual fuck- the gnome trade is alive and kicking? I thought that the rest of the sane world had relegated these things to the likes of b-grade horror movies but apparently not. Secondly, what kind of sick creeps live in this world who would attend such an event? I decided to investigate and came across a chilling story. It read as follows:

On Saturday 25th July 2009 the Lower Blue Gnome Rescue squad set off in the cold cold dawn on an 800 k rescue mission to save 1500 gnomes from a fate worse than death - the dreaded tip!! In Cootamundra an old lady gnome carer had passed on, leaving her many gnomes without a home to go to!

"Please", said a Cootamundra Rotarian - "can you come and save these little fellers"

SICK! PERVERTED! ISN’T THIS WHAT K-RUDD’S INTERNET FILTER IS FOR? Furthermore, I am 110% convinced that “lower blue gnome rescue squad” is actually an alias for a sinister terrorist organisation.

The story continued:

Of course we could - and we did! Here are the photos to prove it. All the gnomes will be homed in the Blue Mountains and will be at the Australian Gnome Convention on January 26 2010 at the Australia Day Festivities in Glenbrook Park. What a great day!

Homed in the Blue Mountains! These people inflicted 1500 demons of hell on nationally protected bushland? What about the wildlife? Surely this violates a law some where- Littering? Defacing public land?

I scrolled down to look at the pictures of said “rescue” whilst fantasizing about how this story may have read had I made it there first with a baseball bat in hand:

What a vile old woman! Imagine looking out that window at night to see that baron hideous garden (dirt patch) riddled with all those garden gnomes. Better yet, imagine that place on a full moon. I’m sure the children of the neighbourhood had a great myth about how all those gnomes were actually kids that had ventured into the old lady’s (witch’s) garden after a stray ball and met a twisted fate at her hands.

But, the clincher:

...PLEASE DON'T EAT ME SATAN!