Personas from Production Lines

I love free shit and I love reading- so I have a habit of picking up any magazine/zine/pamphlet I find that looks vaguely free. Whether it is or not is a minor technicality. A while back, I came across (and swiped) a queer themed zine at uni. Let me tell you what a find that was- total blast! The only beef I had with it was the handful of articles that had to do with all the different “types” of lesbian one could become. That kind of overwhelmed me a little so I let the zine be consumed by the black hole that is my bed room and totally forgot about it till recently. As is the way of my memory- it’s more a hypothetical possibility then it is an actual part of my brain.

Back to this array of lesbianna I came across. Talk about 21st century consumerism! I know these articles were meant to be heartfelt and crap but I felt like I was trying to pick out which mass produced style of individuality to take home and call my own. Kind of like choosing which style of Converse Chucks best suits me. And then there I was, back to my usual gripe that has created an unjustified distaste within me for Tegan and Sara and The L-word (surprisingly Ellen and pink have managed to escape my icy disdain). I’ve said it before (Actually I haven’t) and I’ll say it again: I did not break one mould just to be forced into another.

It took me over 5 years to come out properly. During that time, well meaning family members, friends and strangers were kind enough to raise various questions which I’d never considered before. Usual suspects included: “but don’t you want kids?”, “don’t you want to get married”, “don’t you want to grow old with someone?”. Thanks for the insight. Really, none of that EVER occurred to me! Tell me again about the terrible sense of loss I’ll feel if my vagina is never torn to shreds in child birth given homosexuality clearly will cause my womb to shrivell up and die.

Honestly, such ill informed questions don’t phase me now but when you’re young and vulnerable it can feel devastating that you might be throwing away a life time of dirty nappies and SUV's. It wasn't just about accepting the fact I was gay, I was also accepting the fact I wasn't straight. After finally shedding all this confusion and anguish to at last emerge a beautiful butterfly of gaydom, I don’t understand this need to then scuttle into the arms of the nearest stereotype on offer and settle into the cosy confines of someone else’s idea of what should be. Especially when you know what it’s like first-hand to break out of that.

Queer adolescences have an amazing opportunity where we are forced to question and define who we really are at such a young age. Yes, it’s a lot to ask of a 13 year old but most straight people don’t have that kind of personal crisis till there 40, have 3 kids, a mortgage and the sinking realisation that maybe they are too old for Sas and Bide jeans. So I say, take the opportunity and run it to the ground! Even for people who aren’t queer, you can still come out in some way- I guess it’s a bit of a metaphor for declaring to the world who you really are. Just ask Diana Ross if you’re not sure. (See Video at the end of this blog.. seriously.).

There is of course, always that need to fit in *somewhere*- that’s human nature I guess. Of that same vein, I’m always fascinated and in jealous awe of my friends who seem to fit in everywhere. No matter what social situation or group I invite them along to they can slip and slide between them with the ease of a slimy wet fish. I think all my friends are pretty incredible (even the slimy wet fish) and when I’m with them, being the creep I am, I like to observe them with an almost scientific precision. Carefully, through extensive internal note taking, I manage to extract their best qualities, which I then take home to see what I can learn.

I’ve tried to find some sort of common denominator that binds my friends who can fit in anywhere. Maybe they’re just that freakin’ cool or maybe it’s a certain dress sense or they have some particular quirk that everyone finds appealing. The only real common denominator I can find is they’re all confident in who they are and are very much their own person. I think people are drawn to that no matter what form it comes in; more so then they are to someone who has beaten their identity to a bloody pulp in the hopes of immaculately conforming to something which only exists in their heads.

Anywho, back to 98 Shades of Lesbian: I like to think I’m a girl who likes girl, and I can do without the bells and frills on it. None of this butch/lipstick/bull dyke/soft butch/femme/rarara crap. I’m a complex human being like everyone else, and as proud as I am to be gay it’s not all of who I am and I would hate to be judged as a person for any one aspect of myself. No one wants to be seen and judged as a mere 2 dimensional stereotype. The problem is, despite saying this, a lot of people are more than happy to dive head long into this social arms race to see who can best embody an imaginary ideal. Which in turn just facilitates outsiders to then judge them and everyone else in the contexts of their chosen stereotype.

The whole thing doesn’t need such a long bitchy rant but there you go, I did it anyway. Long and the short: It’s no fun and it’s really draining denying who you are. I really believe life is the journey not the destination, so why spend the whole time trudging upstream when you could just throw up your hands, go with the flow and see where that takes you?