Babes On Blades

I’ve been none too thrilled about the torrential rain that has inflicted itself upon Queensland of late. My hair is frizzy, I’ve ruined one pair of shoes, and my decrepit umbrella is less an instrument in weather protection then it is a dead bat on a stick. Realistically though, these misfortunes are trivial and frivolous in the grand scheme of things. There’s real problems out there, real issues, real lives- all of which are powerless to the whims of freak monsoon seasons. Case in point, my rollerblade gang has been kept off the streets for over a week now. Yes, you heard right- I AM in a gang. So far it consists of three people and we’re yet to have our first skate. Unofficially and much to the distress of our lone male member, we call ourselves Babes On Blades. Unbeknownst to my comrades I’ve also taken it upon myself to come up with a design for matching tattoos, coz then we’ll be like, totally legit’ n’ shit.

Babes On Blades came into being a couple of weeks ago, when my girlfriend was preparing to ditch me forever and move to Sydney. Unable to take her $300 hardly-ever-worn roller blades with her, I did what any supportive soon to be ex-girlfriend would do: I swooped in and took them for my own selfish needs, thus saving her from having to go through the lengthy process of selling them on Ebay and possibly making some much need cash out of it! Besides, you know what they say, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going... and form a rollerblading gang”.

After the obligatory week or two spent wallowing in Kelly Clarkson levels of pathetic heartache (MY LIFE! WOULD SUCK! WITH OUT YOUUUUU!) I assumed I’d have to do what any self respecting dumpee does and go to the gym to get a hot ex-girlfriend body. “Ugh” I sighed, already depressed at the idea of heaving myself up and down the Coro Drive bike way every afternoon for the next month. But wait! Hold that descent into bitter (albeit toned) ex girlfreindhood for just a moment! As it turns out my rollerblade gang not only gives me awesome street cred, but it also doubles as a great work out. Or so I read on the internet, which means it must be undeniably 100% true.

The facts speak for themselves: Rollerblading burns on average about 285 calories per half hour session. Not bad considering you burn about 350 when running or cycling in the same amount of time. Also, rollerblading gets your heart pumping just as hard as either of the aforementioned (less fun) activities, with heart rates averaging 148 bpm in all three. It’s also beneficial for those worried about their joints who are looking to shy away from high impact sports such as running. AND rollerblading works those hard to reach muscles such throughout the entire upper leg, the derrière and the hips.

Whatta ya know? Rollerblading is totally bad ass and good for your health!

My Beyonce

"So baby raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends"

My best friend called me at 10:36am, Sunday the 28th of February. My life came to a standstill in that moment and for the first time I noticed how fast the world seems to spin. I watched it roar past like traffic either side of me while I stood suspended in a half second that promised never to end. Until atlast I gave in and admitted that I wasn’t the one looking on this time, this was happening to me. Horrible words lurched from a phone, my phone. Words that shrieked like metal on cement, inescapably mine. Preordained and unavoidable, they filled my ears, my eyes, my throat, my lungs, my stomach. They tore at the fabric of my soul, jeered at my naivety, ridiculed my careless love. One by one, each of us heard the news, one by one each of our hearts were ripped from our chests, leaving us to watch them beat feebly in the hands of fate.

That cruel fucking bitch, fate, that held our helpless hearts in one hand, while the other hand toyed with a heart on a roadside. I've tried my best to reason with that impossible whore. I beg for someone, anyone, whoever is listening, whatever is out there: please, not him. I beg outloud, willing to trade anything, strike any deal, believe any mantra: please, not him. The empty void of these dark hours surrender no consolation, just the dull glow of a Hope, however vain or valid. So we pull each other to our worn out feet, ration out even portions of the crushing weight of this grief to carry on our shoulders and accept the only alternative left to us: we carry on. Urged forward by each other’s strength, inspired by each other’s humility, humbled by each other’s courage, empowered by each other’s faith. The realisation of the fragility of human life brings with it the realisation of the strength of the human spirit.


I was given a bottle of Moet & Chandon for my 21st, I’m saving it to drink with you when you’re better, because you will be.

Hell

I have a deep seated fear of garden gnomes. To me, they’re these horrible little things that somehow deliver bone chilling terror at discount-crap-store prices. Ugh. When I was in high school my maths teacher found it necessary to adorn the classroom with what can only be described as "random shit". So of course, she had to have a couple of gnomes. Totally NOT conducive to a positive learning environment if you ask me but anywho, my phobia was common knowledge in the class and apparently it was funny to put a garden gnome on my chair one afternoon when I was late for class. Hilarious. So yer, I generally assume hell is the Garden of Eden but with a garden gnome at every turn. Knowing my luck, I’ll probably end up there because of my homosexual deviant lifestyle. I figured only such a horrific place could exist in hell- that was until my girlfriend was sent an email about the Australian Gnome Convention.

http://australiangnomeconvention.com.au/

Firstly, what the actual fuck- the gnome trade is alive and kicking? I thought that the rest of the sane world had relegated these things to the likes of b-grade horror movies but apparently not. Secondly, what kind of sick creeps live in this world who would attend such an event? I decided to investigate and came across a chilling story. It read as follows:

On Saturday 25th July 2009 the Lower Blue Gnome Rescue squad set off in the cold cold dawn on an 800 k rescue mission to save 1500 gnomes from a fate worse than death - the dreaded tip!! In Cootamundra an old lady gnome carer had passed on, leaving her many gnomes without a home to go to!

"Please", said a Cootamundra Rotarian - "can you come and save these little fellers"

SICK! PERVERTED! ISN’T THIS WHAT K-RUDD’S INTERNET FILTER IS FOR? Furthermore, I am 110% convinced that “lower blue gnome rescue squad” is actually an alias for a sinister terrorist organisation.

The story continued:

Of course we could - and we did! Here are the photos to prove it. All the gnomes will be homed in the Blue Mountains and will be at the Australian Gnome Convention on January 26 2010 at the Australia Day Festivities in Glenbrook Park. What a great day!

Homed in the Blue Mountains! These people inflicted 1500 demons of hell on nationally protected bushland? What about the wildlife? Surely this violates a law some where- Littering? Defacing public land?

I scrolled down to look at the pictures of said “rescue” whilst fantasizing about how this story may have read had I made it there first with a baseball bat in hand:

What a vile old woman! Imagine looking out that window at night to see that baron hideous garden (dirt patch) riddled with all those garden gnomes. Better yet, imagine that place on a full moon. I’m sure the children of the neighbourhood had a great myth about how all those gnomes were actually kids that had ventured into the old lady’s (witch’s) garden after a stray ball and met a twisted fate at her hands.

But, the clincher:

...PLEASE DON'T EAT ME SATAN!

Where the Wild things...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Christ, J.

*I didn't write this, I found it on a website recently. A friend of mine had shown me this a while ago and I just had to post it when I found it again! so good.*


This is an anonymous letter to Dr. Laura, the radio talk show host. Dr. Laura said she opposes homosexuality because it is "prohibited in the Bible". Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to best follow them:

* When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

* I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

* I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

* Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mind claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

* I have a neighbor who insists on working the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

* A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

*In Matthew 15:4 Jesus reiterates the commandment to kill children for cursing their parents: "For God commanded, saying, Honor thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death." And

Exodus- 21:17" And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death."

Should people kill their children for cursing them because God says so, even if they themselves would go to prison for life or get the death penalty as set forth by MAN'S law?

* John 15:6 says: "If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned." (This passage, a quote from Jesus, was used for centuries to justify burning our predecessors at the stake for refusing to believe.) I know many atheists who do not believe in God, so he does "Not abide" in him. Should they be cast into fire and burned?

Leviticus -- 20:10 says Adulterers shall be put to death. Put to death by the spouse? WHO shall put them to death?

Deuteronomy-- 22:5 says Men's clothing is not to be worn by women, and vice versa. I work in a clothing store, and if I refuse to sell mens clothes to women or vice versa, can my boss fire me? If I , as a woman, wear pants, will I be breaking God's Law?

This is just a few examples of things "prohibited in the Bible". HOW does one pick and choose which ones of those many to follow, and to what length and what measures must we take to insure ALL people obey those laws of God?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Chee-Pussy Quiji

I need to talk about this video I found on youtube. Have you ever heard Bai ling? Yes? No? Maybe? Just quietly, she’s a bit of a hero of mine, and a favourite at the gofugyourself.com:

http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/go_fug_yourself/bai_ling/

Earlier this year she almost had her nipple torn off by her pet cat. This is said cat. Its name is chee-pussy Quiji.

She defended her pet saying it must have thought her nipple was a chew toy. Firstly, that’s not a cat, that’s a beast sent straight from the depths of Satan’s sex pad. And secondly, just so we’re clear, her nipples resemble chew toys? I don’t know whether to be aroused or repulsed- though I suspect I’d go with the latter. In all honesty, this sums up the handful of things I actually know about Bai Ling, other then that I’m pretty much in the dark. My friends at wikipedia inform me she vehemently claims to hail from the moon, where her grandmother continues to lives. Fair enough Bai Ling, fair enough. Also, she is allegedly an actress! Unfortunately, the only roles that I could say I'm vaguely familiar with that she’s played recently were her part as “Senator Bana Breemu” in Star Wars III: The Revenge of the Sith and her stirring role as the “punky photographer” in Lords of Dog Town.

Anywho, Back to the video! I love this: I close my eyes and I’m in a Japanese karaoke bar playing witness to a fabulous midlife breakdown, I open them again and Bai Ling is throwing Barbie’s feathery night gown into the crowd, masturbating on her knees and being mauled by a painfully gay presenter! It’s so unnatural and forced and dare I say, drunk, that I just couldn’t pass this one up. The highlight for me is 33 seconds in when she attempts a sexy commando roll and leg stretch but kind of doesn’t quite have the momentum and almost gets tangled in her ostrich costume. Bai ling enthusiasts enjoy!

Shut up, you love it.

So a while ago, a “friend”, had this dream she had her vagina pierced. It wasn’t me, it was a friend. One who can’t be named either, not even with a pseudonym. Anywho, my friend (not me) had this dream her snatch was pierced- just like the lip or whatever. She told me about it the next day on facebook and I was all “Well, did you like it?” and she was all, “I’ll tell you about it in private...”. You know, because we were talking on facebook, and like, not everyone’s down with that kind of thing. I don’t understand why. I mean, not that I was the one who had the dream or anything but still.

Now with genital piercings on the brain of late, I’ve spent the past few weeks researching, google imaging and discussing the topic with anyone who will listen. It’s not an easy topic to breach with people though. “So I was talking to my friend about vag piercings..." The colour kind of drains from their face , horror seeps into their eyes and then suddenly they’re shrieking “OH MY GOD!! YOU PIERCED YOUR VAGINA?!?!”. The next thing you know, everyone else in the room has heard and now assumes you lead a secret double life as a dominatrix extraordinaire with the bejewelled genitalia to match.

To avoid judgement, I’ve resorted to feeding my obsession with drunken ramblings aimed at people I’ve just met or don’t know very well. The ones who I corner unexpectedly at parties and then shamelessly deny their existence come the morning. Kind of like the one night stand equivalent of conversation. My same friend, the one who had the dream- she got her nipple pierced a few months ago- not me, my friend. She recons she got the idea when her girlfriend was going on about how much she hated nipple piercings,it seemed like the most obvious move to make. As it turns out, the nipple piercing is like the kinky little tid bit you never knew you wanted but once you found, you couldn’t live without. You know the type. But the va jay jay. That’s a whole other jurisdiction of kinky. Fraught with danger, dripping with edge, bursting with possibility.

The idea lead me to an interesting conversation with another friend in which we discussed finer details like the implications a piercing may have to waxing and the actual location of said piercing. This friend told me she used to have her clit pierced but found it was overstimulating-to the point where she actually orgasmed on a bus when she was sitting over the back tyre. Fascinating. My endless prowl through the depths of google lead me to other insights on the topic: when done well it actually seems like a relatively safe piercing! And did you know it heals faster than your ears? And apparently it hurts less?!

“I pierce many professional women, housewives, mothers, and even grandmothers”, stated one seasoned piercer on what seemed like the web’s most definitve guide to piercing the never regions. Seriously?? Are all these women parading around on public transport having secret orgasms too? This gives a whole new meaning to people who sit next to you on an empty bus. With all this research and talk and the like my friend (not me) is totally considering it now. I mean aside from the possibility of it all going horribly wrong and she being a sexual cripple with a severely impaired ability to orgasm, what’s the worst that could happen??

In other news I have a new favourite band- they refer to themselves as “gospel punk garage jammers”. Well, hello!