Revenge of The Nerds

(Me in said glasses courtesy of Katie D)

I harbour an ongoing love/hate relationship with hipsters in fake glasses. Especially the ones who you tend to find prowling the valley on weekends sporting a pair of fake Woody Allen-esque spectacles. Being visually impaired myself, I feel like my parade is being rained on just a tad, though at the same time it means I can finally embrace my inner dork in style. After much consideration, I recently hitched a ride on the band wagon and picked up my own pair of (prescription) retro glasses. I may as well, after all, when was the last time your disability was in vogue? Up until now, I’ve taken to hiding in shame behind contact lenses but at last the time has come for me to ditch my disguise as superman in favour of my true identity, Clark Kent.

You can’t blame me for the difficulties I’ve faced in coming to accept myself. Simply cast your mind to pop culture in general and you will see the blatant bias against people who need glasses. Take for example, the ground breaking 1999 chick flick, She’s All That, Starring Freddie Prinze Junior and Rachel Leigh Cook. It had a real meaty story line which went as follows: popular boy turns artistic dorky girl into total mega babe with simple make over. Deep, right? Realistically though, if you gave that chick a year or two out of high school she would have been a bohemian golden god when she ditched Hicksville for New York but whatever.



Anyway, think back to the scene where Freddie takes off her glasses before the prom and “Oh my god! Now she’s a bombshell!”. As if we hadn’t noticed that earlier? Puh-lease. If someone delicately removed my glasses and proceeded to lovingly tuck them away I’d be rendered totally blind and it’s likely I’d attempt a swift upper cut to their jaw- though it’s just as likely I would miss.

Long story short: This is why the recent trend of people who wear glasses with fake lenses kind of irks me. Oh sure, it’s fun to do the whole geek chic thing for a night, sure it’s fun to cash in on my years of self conscious worry- not to mention the medical bills. But please spare a thought for the moments when it’s assumed my ridiculously expensive prescription lenses are just a $20 excuse for me to play dress ups in public. Then of course, there are the dangers this trend creates for me on any given night out. One minute I may be oozing silent cool from my well adorned eye balls when the next, some fucker is saying “Can I try your glasses?”, as they proceed to snatch them from my face, leaving me to fumble around the bar squinting like a stoned mole rat. I imagine my voice would then hit outrageously nasal tones when I cry out “My glasses!!” after the assailant who has already disappeared into the night.

So on one hand, I hope all you indie hipsters with your Sportsgirl spectacles spend an eternity in hell, blind as a bat and stubbing your toes on Satan’s foot stools, thus leaving me to flaunt my nerd in peace. While on the other hand, I’m secretly thrilled that all these wannabes have allowed me to reach a “real deal” level of cool that previously I had never foresaw myself attaining. I guess I’ll just have to reach a happy medium by saying “Thank you” to all you quirky hipsters for making the dieing years of my youth that much easier and then give you the finger when you’re not looking.