The Stages of a Break-up: A Musical

As you may have surmised from previous blog entries, I have been dumped. Well kind of more just “ditched”. Long story short, my now ex-girlfriend moved to Sydney for various reasons and we both agreed it would be for the better if we didn’t pursue a long distance relationship. However, given she was the one who left I have chosen to play the part of “dumpee” in tonight’s musical rendition of “stages of a break up”. Gather your popcorn and frozen cokes, whilst I dim the lights and lift the curtains, so begins stage one...

Stage #1: Kelly Clarkson –“My life would suck without you”

Oh Kelly, really?? This is only acceptable in the 24-72 hour period post break up. I find it best to simply make the most of this time by curling up in the foetal position, clutching a picture of my ex and howling into the night.

Stage #2: Alanis Morrisette- “You Oughta Know”


If break ups really could be done in the style of a musical this would be act 1 scene 2 and it would begin with the following dialogue:

Me: “You don’t understand, Alanis Morrisette came on and I didn’t change the channel.”

Close friend: “So?”

Me: “I listened to the whole thing!”

Close friend: “oh...”

Me: “and I enjoyed it!”

*cue music*

It’s at this point I start running my friendships like a communist dictatorship- any friend who does not swear their undying hatred toward my ex and dares to put forward “reasonable”, “objective” or even “sane” viewpoints is instantly found guilty of treason and excommunicated. Friends who have known me long enough know it’s better to ride this stage out and should they come across the rumbling Mt Versuvias that is my temper they’re best to get creative with their swear words toot sweet. Words such as “cunt”, “bitch” and “whore” should be used sans restraint. The ability to use them in unexpected combinations is also looked upon favourably.

Stage #3: Cher- “Believe”

This stage comes off as being reflective and feels almost zen like. Do not, in any way confuse this for the beginning of the healing process. I know from experience that it simply means I’m so exhausted from the intensity of my anger in the Alanis Morrisette stage, that I’ve entered a state of euphoric delirium. At this point I generally begin reminiscing over the “good times”, I may even go so far as to wish my ex lover “well”. Eesh! Furthermore, I am likely to find myself explaining to anyone that will listen that yes, I did spend the night crying into a bag of fat free marshmallows, pausing only to dip them in melted chocolate that I burnt because I was crying so hard, but it was a cleansing cry. It may feel as though the light at end of the tunnel is in sight at this stage. I fear not, that is simply the reflection from Cher’s tinsel-esque wig and disco balls my friend. I am very much still in the dark.

Stage #4: Destiny's Child- “Independent woman” & “Survivor”

This stage is deceptive too. The new found motivation that comes with it is by no means some sort of end point to the misery. Survivor, ay? Really? If I was really happy and content again would I feel the need to slave over textbooks and lose myself in such topics as “Income Tax Law”? Would I!? And if I was really that happy would I feel the need to torture myself on treadmills with the enthusiasm of a Hollywood house wife? I think not. Besides, “Now that you’re out of my life, I’m so much better” is a little bitter for someone who has allegedly moved on. On that same note, if I’m so over my ex, why is it I know every comment word for word on her facebook?

Stage #5: Pink – “So What”, “Please Don’t Leave me” & “I Don’t Believe You”

Ah, welcome to the relapse- also known as the first night out. Things seem to start off fine, just like the album Funhouse. There I am screaming the lyrics to So What? with my nearest and dearest, “Tonight! I’m alright! I’m just fine!”. Things are travelling along famously until all of a sudden Please Don’t Leave Me ambushes the speakers. “Don’t change it!” I say, grossly misguided by the previous Destiny’s Child stage of my break up which has lead me to believe I’m now strong enough to deal with this kind of mishap. Alas, by the end of the first chorus the ball is rolling and I guarantee that before the song is over I’ll be as drunk as a 13 year old who has downed their parent’s entire alcohol cabinet. My ex can then look forward to waking up the next morning and finding 16 messages on her voicemail all of which consist of I Don’t Believe You by Pink and my smooth sultry sobbing in the background. Tell me again why I ended up single?

Stage #6: Beyonce- “Irreplaceable”, “Single Ladies”, “Me, Myself and I”

Now this is the stage where at last I will emerge from that crazy cacoon as a beautiful flamboyant butterfly. Finally able to establish myself as a strong independent black woman, ready to face the world again and put myself back on the market! “How is this any different from the Destiny’s Child Stage?” You may ask. A very valid question, indeed. The difference here is that this stage is similar to Beyonce’s solo career itself. Here, I can at last step out on my own, knowing Kelly and Michelle will always love and support me, but it’s time to stand on my own two feet again. A strong willed woman with my head held higher then my patent leather heals. The last scene of this musical would see me sashay away in to the sunset, ready to take on the dating world with poise and grace, while Cher's (of Clueless this time!) wise words ring in my head “You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet!”. That is of course until a round of vodka’s finds me sucking the face off the nearest human with a vagina.

Yes there is a long musical road ahead of me, wish me luck!