Horror Scopes

Most people who know me know I study commerce- accounting is kind of my “thing”. What most people don’t know is that in my spare time I moonlight as ‘Esmerelda Hart’- a renowned online psychic hailing from Tennessee.



Once a month I spend a lazy Sunday afternoon pouring over zodiac charts with a hookah pipe, smoking my favourite Persian blend. I’m a regular Cheshire cat, really. Anyway, the moral of the story is now that June is drawing to a close and July will be upon us as of tomorrow, I figured I would dole out some of my cosmic wisdom and let everyone know what the stars have in store for them this month!


Sagittarius This month you will realise what an uptight prick you’ve been lately. With mercury in your romance sector, now is a good time to do the rest of the zodiac a favour and go out and get laid.


Capricorn communication will come easily to you this month, this means you should think about addressing any issues or problems you may have had with your nearest and dearest lately. Your new knack for relating to others will find you thinking outside the box, using everything from interpretive dance and pantomimes to artistic cakes to get the message across!


Aquarius You will find yourself to be a ball of charm this month, use this to your advantage- now may be a good time to tell your partner or lover about that pesky STD you’ve been toting.


Pisces You will find interesting connections this month by taking a new approach to meeting others. Joining an internet star treck forum, or attending a luncheon celebrating 90’s cult bollywood movies will lead to endless intimate dinners and kinky bedroom romps with a new mate!


Aries July is a month of discovery in your romance sector. Have fun when you discover that collection of photos your lover took of you sleeping nude. Turns out that quirky special someone you had your heart set on really is just a voyeuristic creep.


Taurus Money won’t be a problem this month at all! You will happen upon an unexpected cash flow sometime around the 8th.This could be in the form of an exciting second job opportunity, lucky lottery ticket or cake drive – whatever the cause it will somehow involve the Japanese mafia.


Gemini July will see your obsessive compulsive tendencies come to the fore as Jupiter makes its presence known in your 6th house. Your attention to detail will be prime- enjoy the benefits this has on your tax return. Oh, and you will be mugged regularly by a pack of feral yowies.


Cancer This month you will find yourself possessing about as much appeal as a wet dish clothe, no one will care and it’s likely your upcoming birthday will be forgotten by most. (There was more to it but I spilled Kava on your part of my zodiac chart at The Annual Mystic’s Jamboree last April. Pretty sure it’s bad though- so just stay inside. Don’t leave the house.)


Leo Situations involving Jacuzzis, midgets and Sambuca will be the norm this month. Make the most of your good fortune and the rest of us will look forward to seeing the results spattered across the internet sometime around the 26th.


Virgo The sun in your 8th house will see an influx of culture in your life this month! This could mean new travel plans, an exotic lover or interesting cuisine. Either that or you will be attacked by a gang of taco wielding Swedish ninjas.

Libra With Venus passing through your 10th house you can expect your romantic life to be on fire this month. Saucy singles can look forward to tantalising dates and love bunnies may find themselves taking things to the next level with their partners. However, Neptune’s cheeky influence means you can expect random spontaneous outbreaks of oral herpes. Best of luck juggling the two!

Scorpio Your work life is set to become painfully slow at the beginning of the month until about the 16th. I recommend that until things pick up, you pass the time by spiking the water cooler with LSD.

I hope everyone makes the most of my advice and has a fantastic July! I won’t be writing for a few days as I’m off to Byron bay with a fellow cosmic interpreter to dance naked on the beach in honour of the harvest moon. I’ll be stocking up on mugwort and hopefully get a chance to replace my soiled zodiac chart as well!

Ta darlings!

Crack Open Your Cranium

I should probably add that this is something I designed after watching too many documentaires about religion last christmas. Later, I read a quote by Karl Marx which, to me, raises another valid point:

"Religion is the general theory of this world... its universal basis of consolation and justification. It is the fantastic realization of the human essence since the human essence has not acquired any true reality."

The Youth Today: a full body rant

Recently as I was flicking through old magazines, I came across an interview with John Waters, the producer best known for Hairspray (the original). The interview was set out as an a to z of Waters, in which he assigned a word or phrase to each letter of the alphabet and explained what it meant to him. For example, ‘b’ is for bad journalism technique, you fuckwit. Anyway, he is an extremely fascinating man and before I knew it I’d reached ‘y’ which for him stood for the youth today. This is what he said:


“I don’t get why young people today are such pussies. Turn over a car- why don’t you?”

(That's a picture of John Waters- you get the idea)

Not to be a traitor to my generation (which anyone who knows me, knows I blatantly am), but I couldn’t agree more. What happened to the days of the youth running riot? Standing up for something? Protesting? Defacing private property? Being anarchic opinionated brats?

Our government wants to increase military spending at a time when there is no real threat yet we are set to face the worst economic crisis most of us will see in our lifetimes (paradoxically the whole military spending fad only raises tension in the Asia-pacific area). Australia may soon be run by one of the few governments in the western world which unconditionally censors and monitors the public’s internet usage. I’m pretty sure that that’s a concept which usually washes in countries such as, oh I don’t know, communist china maybe? The European Union is pledging to cut emissions by 20%, whereas our government is revoking election promises of making major emissions cuts and has instead decided to cough up a mere 5%. We are looking at a very real global environmental melt down in the near future; unfortunately, the politicians of today who still won’t take it seriously will be long dead by the time we’re all decked out in our designer oxygen masks.

We’ve hardly even scraped the surface of scum directly affecting us, though: What about 3am Lock outs? What about alco-pop taxes? What about extra university fees? What about that little kerfuffle in Iraq? Does anyone else see a problem with the shit and fuckery we’re lapping up without question here? Am I some kind of crazy person?

Somehow the onus to stand up to all these things continues to fall on people like the ones who were out there protesting ‘nam and dropping acid the first time around. What’s the best our generation has come up with? Make a facebook group about it? Wow- Achievement! There’s an island of garbage floating in the Pacific Ocean twice the size of Texas, when I found out about this I rushed to face book, joined an “awareness” group and sent invitations urging all my friends to do the same ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Pacific_Garbage_Patch ). There I waited smugly as the notifications multiplied, congratulating me on signing up x number of people. But guess what? That island of trash and plastic and nappies is still out there and it’s only getting bigger. See, the point of spreading awareness is so that more people know of a problem and are subsequently driven to action. Yet this is where we fall short. We’re all fabulously “aware” of many things, yet no one is DOING much about them.

I raised the issue whilst out to coffee with a friend of mine at sassafras in Paddington. We lamented the inactivity of our generation as we were swooped by the resident bird population that anyone familiar with the cafe dines in fear of. University students have recently been forced to pay an extra $200 a year in fees, “If it were my parent's generation, they’d be chaining themselves naked to the gates of the university!”, my friend declared. There we sat- a mixture of gloat and sympathy towards the other young punters who were clearly ignorant of the infinite wisdom being dispensed at our table. Really though, no one was getting naked yet and no one was getting chained to any gates in the near future either. Who could blame us though? When was the last time you saw someone of our generation take a stand who DIDN’T have dread locks and an aversion to bathing?

So, all this ranting brings me to one question: since when did not giving a fuck get so cool?

OH MY GA!

Its Friday and I’m spending my night at home on the computer with conjunctivitis in one eye, wishing i was out making the most of my holiday. Safe to say I am none to impressed with my life at the moment. That is until, the knight in shining armour that is my best friend Rosie, posted the following picture on my facebook wall:



Nothing brings me more delight then the antics of my pant-less hoe bag hero. For a long time I was honestly just taking the piss out of her until, as a joke, I decided to download her album oneday. Long story short, the joke was on me and I'm now mildly obsessed. Enough about me though, lets talk about this. THIS! Its like someone threw one of Madonna’s old bras, Cher’s turn back time leotard and a few fire crackers in a washing machine and all the colours ran. I can only imagine the type of night out one would have with boobs that bear a striking resemblance to river fire. However, I’m lost for words as to how I’d explain to the folks down in emergency just how i came to have third degree burns on my tits.

The champion of bad taste (Part 1)

I have a confession. It’s a little left field but whatever, I stick by it. So, here it is: I. LOVE. BAD. TASTE. I just adore it! If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t go back and witness something momentous like the fall of the Berlin wall or Woodstock or the birth of Jesus or something like that. No, if I could go back in time I’d venture back to a ski resort in the 80’s populated by affluent yuppies. Then I would sit and wallow in the glory of all the neon patterned onesies whizzing by. That's how strongly i feel about it all.

Please don’t simplify my obsession by putting it down to cheap laughs at another’s expense. My love of bad taste comes from something far deeper. It comes from a place of respect and admiration- awe, even! Nothing brings me more joy then feathers, fur, vinyl, animal print and nylon. The 50 something year old beauty with regrowth for days, a plastic poncho, army boots and metallic stockings? Nothing but respect, honey. It’s about dedication, it’s about believing in something, it’s about having more balls then the ping pong world championships. These people are the proverbial middle finger waving in the face of the conventional straights on a daily basis. And good fucking on them, I say! Though I myself haven’t reached this stage in my life of all out fashion debauchery I occasionally pay homage to my heroes . (As I pause to take a break from writing this, one hand goes for my cold coffee, the other is turning up my music because ‘SOS’ by Abba just came on itunes. Maybe I’m closer to my dreams then I thought?). So, in this blog I plan to regularly document my battles in this war on all which is decent.

To begin with I thought I’d post a real doozy. Something I did of late that I felt was a very momentous act of pulling the rug out from under all things tasteful. I became a ranga. And I don’t mean in the sense of a “funky burgundy”, or a “crazy paramore orange”. I mean ACTUAL ranga. I’m horribly pale as it is, so I look like the REAL DEAL here! My best excuse is that I’ve spent the past few weeks obsessively listening to David Bowie. We’ll see how that one goes. Anywho, without further ado:

That's me last saturday night.






This is me and a friend of mine who is a real redhead. Just shows the authenticity of our fabulousness.

Study, Self-discovery and Facebook Quizes

So, as exam period draws to a close I think it best for us to reflect on what we’ve learned this semester. Like most uni students I will rephrase that to what we learned this swotvac period, as no one realistically carries out the act which we calling “learning” during the semester.

I for one was endowed with countless facts and crucial points of knowledge for which I have only my tertiary studies to thank. No, I’m not actually referring to the budget variance systems which may have helped me in my accounting exam, nor am I referring to portfolio analyses, cash flow statements, or director’s duties. No, what I’m referring to here are those useless facts I never knew I wanted, but once I found them I couldn’t live without.

I’m referring to facebook quizzes. And before all the people who don’t go to uni and were plagued with the damn things over the past month start to bitch and whine, I say this: YOU try writing out endless financial statements with the heavy question of “what miscellaneous house hold item am I?” weighing on your mind. Yeah. Good luck with that one buddy.

Anywho, during the past month I have answered questions I would have never DREAMED of asking myself, and for that I feel I’ve truly come to a zen like understanding of my inner being. This would include (but is not limited to) the answers to such questions as:

Which supre shirt slogan sums up my personality?

What suburb in down town Kabul do I belong in?

Which 80’s rockstar’s genitalia do I most resemble?

Which pussy cat doll do I share an STD in common with?

Which lord of the rings character would I have as my pool boy?

Which NWA song best sums up my love life?

Which Pokémon will my grandmother be raped by?

What is my flee-ridden-crack-whore name?

Wow. What a journey it’s been! So I say thank you University, thank you for sending me into a land of teeth grinding boredom, without which I would never have embarked upon this endless voyage of self discovery. Maybe next semester, I may feel compelled to WRITE one of these quizzes!