Once a month I spend a lazy Sunday afternoon pouring over zodiac charts with a hookah pipe, smoking my favourite Persian blend. I’m a regular Cheshire cat, really. Anyway, the moral of the story is now that June is drawing to a close and July will be upon us as of tomorrow, I figured I would dole out some of my cosmic wisdom and let everyone know what the stars have in store for them this month!
Sagittarius This month you will realise what an uptight prick you’ve been lately. With mercury in your romance sector, now is a good time to do the rest of the zodiac a favour and go out and get laid.
Capricorn communication will come easily to you this month, this means you should think about addressing any issues or problems you may have had with your nearest and dearest lately. Your new knack for relating to others will find you thinking outside the box, using everything from interpretive dance and pantomimes to artistic cakes to get the message across!
Aquarius You will find yourself to be a ball of charm this month, use this to your advantage- now may be a good time to tell your partner or lover about that pesky STD you’ve been toting.
Pisces You will find interesting connections this month by taking a new approach to meeting others. Joining an internet star treck forum, or attending a luncheon celebrating 90’s cult bollywood movies will lead to endless intimate dinners and kinky bedroom romps with a new mate!
Aries July is a month of discovery in your romance sector. Have fun when you discover that collection of photos your lover took of you sleeping nude. Turns out that quirky special someone you had your heart set on really is just a voyeuristic creep.
Taurus Money won’t be a problem this month at all! You will happen upon an unexpected cash flow sometime around the 8th.This could be in the form of an exciting second job opportunity, lucky lottery ticket or cake drive – whatever the cause it will somehow involve the Japanese mafia.
Gemini July will see your obsessive compulsive tendencies come to the fore as Jupiter makes its presence known in your 6th house. Your attention to detail will be prime- enjoy the benefits this has on your tax return. Oh, and you will be mugged regularly by a pack of feral yowies.
Cancer This month you will find yourself possessing about as much appeal as a wet dish clothe, no one will care and it’s likely your upcoming birthday will be forgotten by most. (There was more to it but I spilled Kava on your part of my zodiac chart at The Annual Mystic’s Jamboree last April. Pretty sure it’s bad though- so just stay inside. Don’t leave the house.)
Leo Situations involving Jacuzzis, midgets and Sambuca will be the norm this month. Make the most of your good fortune and the rest of us will look forward to seeing the results spattered across the internet sometime around the 26th.
Virgo The sun in your 8th house will see an influx of culture in your life this month! This could mean new travel plans, an exotic lover or interesting cuisine. Either that or you will be attacked by a gang of taco wielding Swedish ninjas.
Libra With Venus passing through your 10th house you can expect your romantic life to be on fire this month. Saucy singles can look forward to tantalising dates and love bunnies may find themselves taking things to the next level with their partners. However, Neptune’s cheeky influence means you can expect random spontaneous outbreaks of oral herpes. Best of luck juggling the two!
Scorpio Your work life is set to become painfully slow at the beginning of the month until about the 16th. I recommend that until things pick up, you pass the time by spiking the water cooler with LSD.
I hope everyone makes the most of my advice and has a fantastic July! I won’t be writing for a few days as I’m off to Byron bay with a fellow cosmic interpreter to dance naked on the beach in honour of the harvest moon. I’ll be stocking up on mugwort and hopefully get a chance to replace my soiled zodiac chart as well!
Ta darlings!
No comments:
Post a Comment