Dating Tip # 27

NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED

As it turns out, I am somewhat of a yoda when it comes to dating. My recent holidays and the hours of boredom which found me in a mild delirium resulted in endless amorous revelations. Retrospect and discussion with friends lead me to a somewhat bizarre dating theory. Yet the more I researched my hypothesis, the more it seemed fact truly is stranger than fiction. “Could it be??” I pondered, “Have I stumbled across the most counter-intuitive but successful dating technique OF ALL TIME??"

The hypothesis

Throwing up on a girl OR on the property of a girl (possbibly boys too?) is a great way to get things going. It seems too crazy to be true, but it’s worked for me and I’ve heard all kinds of anecdotes claiming the same. It appears there truly is an upside to that inevitable moment we all fear (don’t we... ?). Here are some case studies to mull over if you don’t believe me.

Case Study #1

This girl I had only been on a couple of dates with invited me to her friends 20th. Of course when I got to the party my date was absolutely shit faced and I had only had a mere two drinks. She forced half a bottle of vodka into my hand and bustled me into a taxi destined for the valley. So I drank- to catch up of course. I don’t really remember much after that, except for a strange struggle I had with the zip on my handbag. I know I danced, or as I was told later, I swayed precariously on the dance floor with my head tilted unnaturally and my eyes half closed. Anyway, my memory of that night is blank until the taxi ride home: When I threw up in the cab and ON this girl. The girl then paid the cab fare, the fine for me throwing up in the cab and took me home. She asked me out soon after that.

Case study #2

My little brother had recently asked out his first post-high school girlfriend. They hadn’t been together long when he had his 18th, after a night of an open bar tab and frivolities he and his friends ventured out for their virgin valley jaunt. Romance REALLY seems to run in our family, we kind of go with the same dating techniques. Only my darling brother chose to throw up all over said girlfriend in a bus which they were subsequently kicked out of- in the middle of nowhere. It’s now almost a year later and they’re still canoodling at family dinners. Charming.

Case Study #3

I was enjoying a classic “night in” type date which involved Thai and white wine. And white wine. And more white wine. And then champagne. Unexpectedly, my romantic night ended up all over my date’s bathroom sink (the toilet was too small of a target to be reckoned with). “I’ll clean it up”, I slurred as I collapsed on her bed. Several hours later I awoke to a gentle prod, “heeey.... just wondering... are you... are u going to clean that up?”. I stumbled into the bathroom and spent the next five minutes scooping handfuls of my cold partly digested pad thai from the sink. Result? Success.

Case study #4

My friend Nathan told me how this one time he threw up in a car park in front of an audience of girls. Being the Casanova he is, he managed to throw up on himself as well. Admittedly, this is a slight variation to my theory but I think it shows how versatile this dating trick really is. Not only did he hook up with one of the observers soon after, but he took another of them home. The one he took home happened to be his tutor. You can’t possibly tell me you’ve never had some kind of tutor/teacher fantasy and you’re not oozing jealousy as you read this. Seriously though, how else do you explain THAT kind of move?

Conclusion

I don’t know why none of the above lovers were permanently repulsed by the displays before them. If you were to ask any one of them how they would react given the situations hypothetically, I’m sure they’d all say they wouldn’t have a bar of it. But maybe it’s some kind of protective instinct that kicks in when we see someone we like so helpless, so dependant, in total need of our help and support? Or is it something to do with being there for someone in their hour of need that brings people closer together? My best guess is it’s something far less admirable. I think it’s something in that moment when a person’s face scrunches and contorts as they’re about to empty their guts that establishes them as the more pathetic of the two in the relationship and the other permanently resides in a position of top dog. The only thing as good as knowing you’re the cooler lover in a couple is when your lover knows it too. Go figure I guess?