My Menopause

I am officially middle-aged. Physically I’m still young and spritely but I know emotionally and mentally I am well into my 40’s. Which means only one thing: I am quickly nearing menopause. A friend of mine once told me about early onset of menopause, and how some women as young as their mid 20’s find their eggs drying up and their womb’s shrivelling prematurely. The idea of being rendered an infertile cranky bitch by the age of 30 didn’t scare me so much as when my friend described the other physical ramifications:

“...your skin gets all wrinkly and your tits.. Get REALLY saggy”

“No!” I gasped in horror.

“And” she continued, a sickening smile on her lips,” that’s it, you’re like that... forever!!”

Shocking. One of those things you could never imagine happening to you. But I am seeing undeniable signs that I have reached middle age and menopause is imminent. It’s horrible I know, but the evidence is overwhelming:

1. I read self help books. I love self help books, I actually have a favourite self help book author. Most women don’t read self help books until they hit middle age (which is generally the target audience of these books) and they’re rundown by their icky children and uncaring husbands. These books are designed for people who need validation otherwise they’ll develop a severe complex because they spent too long wondering whatever happened to the days when they felt “groovy” and paraded around in pastel knee high pumps.

2. I’m taking up yoga. This is one of those activities women take up when they’re too flubby and saggy to brave more conventional gym behaviour, or when they want something new age to impress the other mothers with when they’re waiting to pick up their kids from school.


3. I read Oprah magazine. Shut up, she has some really cool inspirational stuff, plus I get great advice on what to do when I don’t understand what my daughter sees in her new boyfriend.

4. I eat organic whole grain free range fat free food. This is for hippies or new age mothers with nothing better to do with their time. You know- the same ones I’ll probably be hanging out with at my yoga class.


5. I listen to ABBA and sometimes have trouble understanding the youth of today and their music choices. This is pretty self-explanatory.

Well the evidence is all there, I am most definitely middle age, which means menopause is only a heartbeat away. Farewell my friends, I will see you on the other side.