ANNOUNCEMENT

I have started a third blog! This is very exciting news- I think so anyway. My new blog is completely different from the rants and raves of this blog and will be a less cynical look at the ever emerging Brisbane fashion scene. If this sounds like it could be your thing, check it out!

http://nodogsbody.vitaeblog.com/

I'll still continue to rant and rave on poetry and voyeurism of course.

ta!

Snuggies- the rant that had to be

My sister bought a snuggie. Actually it’s not even a snuggie, its one of those no name brand snuggie lookalikes- I didn’t even know you could buy no name brand Snuggie lookalikes yet, but apparently you can. It’s the most obnoxious shade of pink ever to be made into a fabric and has firmly established itself as the eyesore of the house. My sister is fully aware of the nauseating splendour the discount snuggie has adorned her with and takes great pleasure in fluttering into my room like some queen of the retarded factory off cut bin. Fun fact: if you turn a dressing gown back to front, you not only look like a major douche but you will also have your very own snuggie! WOW! Isn’t that something? It just goes to show how dumb Snuggies truly are.

Also, Snuggies really creep me out. The infomercial where everyone is wearing them at a football game irks me in a way I just can’t quite put my finger on. Could you imagine turning up at your local football club only to find everyone dressed in matching robes? That’s some serious twilight zone shit right there. I feel the only time Snuggies are appropriate is at mass gatherings of radical religious cults in Deep South America. Seriously, the only people who should wear them are those who would marry off their underage daughters to 50 year old Christian leaders who already have more wives then they can count on two hands. Or maybe Jedi’s, I don’t think I’d have anything against Obi Won Kenobi having a cognac and cigarette whilst dressed in a snuggie.

It gets worse though, there is actually a website called “the snuggie sutra” which as the name suggests, is a site that describes various sex positions incorporating a Snuggie:

http://thesnuggiesutra.com/

The prospect of getting off while wearing a Snuggie makes me feel a little bit perverted. Sure, I appreciate making everyday households items into sex props just as much as the next person, but fucking someone who is wearing what is essentially a blanket? They may as well just wear a pillow as a hat and be done with it for all I’m concerned.


Exhibit a) a family of douche bags amongst normal people.

I'm with the band

My girlfriend is in a band. I like telling people this because in my mind it makes me seem really cool that someone who is in a band would ACTUALLY want to date me. It’s kind of a shameless ego trip that has little to do with her achievements. Anyway, her band is called the goodbye horses, and they just recorded a new single and filmed a video for it!

This in theory is very exciting news, unfortunately in practice it has caused considerable apprehension for me of late. See, I don’t often share similar music tastes with my girlfriend- many fights to the death have been fought on the battle fields of the car radio between us. So for this reason, there was a very real chance I wouldn’t appreciate her band’s hard work. Any normal person would just blatantly lie if they didn’t like the single. I however, am horrible at hiding my feelings towards music I don’t enjoy. Usually my distaste ranges between impulsive foul mouthed outbursts to declarations of jihad on the band and their music. it’s pretty bad but I deliver judgement openly and with zeal as if I think I’m a supreme mystical being and the world is in need of my opinion – or as if I’m Kanye West. Anyway, the long and the short of it is this situation was not one for my uncontrollable opinions to unleash themselves. Hence my rising panic: What if I didn’t like it? Even if I said I liked it, how would I hide the pain on my face as I listened? How would I keep up the charade through the whole song with my only chance of escape being out a 6 story window?!?

The last thing I wanted was to be the unsupportive naysayer to my rock-star-to-be, so I was silently dreading the day the band finished recording and the single was ready to go. Eventually though, my time came. There I sat on my girlfriend’s bed, headphones on, hands clammy, a light sweat on my upper lip where my dermatologist tells me I would have a female moustache if I were middle eastern- apparently my skin problems are due to my cells being over receptive to testosterone. Any who I digress, back to the single! Basically, I was nervous as all hell and ready to face my doom. Our differing music tastes and my big mouth were about to wreak havoc on my love life.

Turns out I REALLY liked it. I was a little shocked and I think this may have been obvious. It probably doesn’t help that I suspected I may not have liked my girlfriend’s sweat, blood and tears but I’m all about honesty. Anyway, the song is just so good! Now with my worries out that 6 story high window, I feel it is my RIGHT, given my girlfriend is like, totally in the band, to plug the shit out of it!

The single “Some Storms Have Names”, is a rambunctious 3 minutes and 14 seconds of charged indie rock written by lead singer Kate Bradley. It relates the fear and anxiety we struggle with as situations arise only to corrode any sense of control we thought we had over our lives. The video was filmed by Brisbane based film clip company, The Picture Club. The Goodbye Horses are playing the sounds of spring festival on the 26th of September, so if you’re going along, make sure to check out those sexy beasts! Also, you can hear more tracks and get news on upcoming gigs and releases at http://www.myspace.com/goodbyehorsesband. Groovy.

So without further ado:
(My girlfriend is the drummer by the way, she’s a total babe but she has it in her head that she’s all rock n’ roll and shit, so just for the record, that shirt she’s wearing is from Country Road. Enjoy!)

What the fuck is Farmville?

Recently I came across a friend's status update on Facebook declaring he was giving up Farmville and he would no longer let his life be ruled by soybeans & chickens. That’s pretty intense as far as I’m concerned. I can rumble with the best of them if you want to talk strange internet addictions but this whole Farmville thing has simultaneously bamboozled and disgusted me for some time now. I like my Facebook stream to contain incriminating photos, juicy comments and relationship scandals. So you can imagine how puzzled I was to be bombarded with the recent wave of Farmville updates. I fail to see how it is topical, interesting or relevant to my stalking needs that such and such just found some pathetic lost sheep roaming its virtual farm and has now taken it in. Boo hoo, cry me a river. Furthermore, I do not care for that inbred ugly duckling that has somehow escaped being hit by a car and wandered into your farm, I do not care for your “photo albums” of a virtual paddock (which incidentally all look the fucking same) and MOST of all I do not care that you have been given a good citizens award in any way, shape or form.

There is only one word I can use to describe this fad and that is ‘gay’. For the record, I myself am gay so I can use that word as freely as I like in the most demeaning contexts I desire. Though of course, I will be the first to jump up and exercise my right to be deeply offended when others use it- kind of like the new n-word. It's probably the single perk that comes with being part of a minority. Political correctness aside, Farmville is gay, it’s just so GAY ...GAY!

However, my seemingly normal friend’s adamant declaration sparked my interest. If HE was so addicted then maybe this whole Farmville thing isn’t as gay as I thought? Maybe there’s a reason so many people are hooked? Maybe, strictly for research purposes, I should investigate?! (STRICTLY for research purposes).

Nervously, I ventured to the Farmville application and was greeted by the main Farmville Facebook page. I began by perusing the latest status update which read as follows:

Hey there, folks. I was raking some leaves from my neighbour’s yard an' I saw a couple of Swans runnin' around! Cute lil critters... I wonder where they came from?

*Guffaw* Man, that’s GAY!

But then I nearly choked on my self righteous guffaw as I realised 12 120 people had ‘liked’ this update and a further 5270 had felt compelled to comment it- this was in the space of about 24 hours may I add. Of course I decided to read what exactly it was 5270 people could say about this flea ridden virtual poultry. As it turns out, most of the comments were from people urging others to add them:

Exhibit A

“Looking to add new neighbour who loves to play and chat over the fence... Those who don’t want to talk need not add me...”

(Is this some sort of Farmville invitation for casual sex or can you literally “chat over the fence”??)

Exhibit B

“Austrian farmer seeks new neighbours”

(Is this how personals are done nowadays?)

Exhibit C

"hey there! Add me girls only ;)”

(You dirty fucking red neck)

One man had just repeatedly written, “add me pls ^_^”, over and over again. That's where things got weird. Where had I come? Who were these people? Was this a farm or a dating site? Was this some sort of meet and greet for horny agricultural enthusiasts? Is this a red neck backwater CULT?!?

I knew I had to get out soon, but I couldn’t tear away from the horrors before me- I had to continue the investigation, so I scrolled downwards and onwards through the ominous webpage. At that moment, I was faced with something I could never have prepared myself for, it was just so confronting, and well, GAY!

BEHOLD!


I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Man. That. Is. Gay.

I tried. I tried for the sake of research to join the 43,187,650 monthly active users Farmville claims to have, but I just could not do it.

It's just so... GAY!!!