What the fuck is Farmville?

Recently I came across a friend's status update on Facebook declaring he was giving up Farmville and he would no longer let his life be ruled by soybeans & chickens. That’s pretty intense as far as I’m concerned. I can rumble with the best of them if you want to talk strange internet addictions but this whole Farmville thing has simultaneously bamboozled and disgusted me for some time now. I like my Facebook stream to contain incriminating photos, juicy comments and relationship scandals. So you can imagine how puzzled I was to be bombarded with the recent wave of Farmville updates. I fail to see how it is topical, interesting or relevant to my stalking needs that such and such just found some pathetic lost sheep roaming its virtual farm and has now taken it in. Boo hoo, cry me a river. Furthermore, I do not care for that inbred ugly duckling that has somehow escaped being hit by a car and wandered into your farm, I do not care for your “photo albums” of a virtual paddock (which incidentally all look the fucking same) and MOST of all I do not care that you have been given a good citizens award in any way, shape or form.

There is only one word I can use to describe this fad and that is ‘gay’. For the record, I myself am gay so I can use that word as freely as I like in the most demeaning contexts I desire. Though of course, I will be the first to jump up and exercise my right to be deeply offended when others use it- kind of like the new n-word. It's probably the single perk that comes with being part of a minority. Political correctness aside, Farmville is gay, it’s just so GAY ...GAY!

However, my seemingly normal friend’s adamant declaration sparked my interest. If HE was so addicted then maybe this whole Farmville thing isn’t as gay as I thought? Maybe there’s a reason so many people are hooked? Maybe, strictly for research purposes, I should investigate?! (STRICTLY for research purposes).

Nervously, I ventured to the Farmville application and was greeted by the main Farmville Facebook page. I began by perusing the latest status update which read as follows:

Hey there, folks. I was raking some leaves from my neighbour’s yard an' I saw a couple of Swans runnin' around! Cute lil critters... I wonder where they came from?

*Guffaw* Man, that’s GAY!

But then I nearly choked on my self righteous guffaw as I realised 12 120 people had ‘liked’ this update and a further 5270 had felt compelled to comment it- this was in the space of about 24 hours may I add. Of course I decided to read what exactly it was 5270 people could say about this flea ridden virtual poultry. As it turns out, most of the comments were from people urging others to add them:

Exhibit A

“Looking to add new neighbour who loves to play and chat over the fence... Those who don’t want to talk need not add me...”

(Is this some sort of Farmville invitation for casual sex or can you literally “chat over the fence”??)

Exhibit B

“Austrian farmer seeks new neighbours”

(Is this how personals are done nowadays?)

Exhibit C

"hey there! Add me girls only ;)”

(You dirty fucking red neck)

One man had just repeatedly written, “add me pls ^_^”, over and over again. That's where things got weird. Where had I come? Who were these people? Was this a farm or a dating site? Was this some sort of meet and greet for horny agricultural enthusiasts? Is this a red neck backwater CULT?!?

I knew I had to get out soon, but I couldn’t tear away from the horrors before me- I had to continue the investigation, so I scrolled downwards and onwards through the ominous webpage. At that moment, I was faced with something I could never have prepared myself for, it was just so confronting, and well, GAY!

BEHOLD!


I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Man. That. Is. Gay.

I tried. I tried for the sake of research to join the 43,187,650 monthly active users Farmville claims to have, but I just could not do it.

It's just so... GAY!!!